Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Published on by jesse


Ugh!  I'm glad this day is over!  I slept in and didn't attend my morning multimedia design intro class because I needed the sleep.  Even so, I don't think it was enough as I was literally falling asleep tonight in my abnormal psychology class where tonight's lecture was on substance abuse.  My abnormal psychology instructor was irritated with me as she approached me before class regarding a brief e-mail I sent her requesting to do extra credit to pass the class with at least a "B" grade.  We have our second test next week and she said that I would need to see how I do on the next test before she determines whether extra credit will even be necessary.  I think she was annoyed that I would have another psychology instructor who has known me much longer and had me for two classes soeak to her on my behalf but that was his idea--not mine.  


This afternoon, I also got extremely anxious and agitated about where my new friendship with Amber is heading that I posted for some advice in the Asperger's section of Daily Strength--the place where Amber and I originally met when she needed advice on how to handle dating another older man on the spectrum.  The feedback I got was that though she's going through a lot and may have had a string of bad experiences, both in her former marriage and in dating, I need to take care of myself, continue to be there for her as a friend, and realize the limitations on what she'll be able to give back in return.


Then tonight I texted and briefly spoke with her on the phone.  She couldn't talk long because of a Halloween party she is trying to get ready for, for her work tomorrow.  I openly admitted to her in a text that I posted my concerns on Daily Strength as well as the daily blogs I have begun on Facebook.  She texted me back saying that she wants to see me again and that I worry too much.  Perhaps she has a point (I know others who have said the same thing).  Amber said she'd speak to me again sometime within the next several days.  It was kind of a relief to clear that up.  I mentioned to her that the song I continue to listen to, "Words Get In the Way" by Gloria Estefan has been playing repeatedly in both my mind and on my laptop and smartphone.  It has a romantic overtone feel to it, but some (not all) of the lyrics are what I feel I'm going through with Amber... I wish we could listen to the song together.  I've also been waiting for her to friend me on Facebook and while her reluctance has to do with her other friends knowing anything about the Asperger's, I'm wondering if there's more behind her reluctance than she's made aware to me.  Amber said that our friendship wouldn't be going anywhere and that I have her as a friend.  Time will tell whether I fuck this up or not.


I think throughout the day, unless my being tired is due to a thyroid problem, since I feel I'm getting enough sleep, I have to wonder how much of it is due to feeling lethargic.  I know that all throughout today, I just wanted to feel taken care of, to have a woman to cuddle with and to try and not let my thoughts about my newly-developing friendship with Amber and the cuddling we had done last weekend interfere.  Did I want any woman to cuddle with or was it Amber?  I'm still trying to figure this out.  


I think just being on the spectrum and trying to bring my confidence about my specialness out regardless is a task I'm having great difficulty with.  If I could stay in bed with a woman and cuddle with her for a week straight, I believe I wouldn't need any personal therapy for such a long time.  


Halloween is this weekend in essence, and while I don't feel like dressing in costume, the thought that I don't have any friends to hang out with and that I'm going to be alone this weekend makes things hard.  I could spend the entire weekend catching up on sleep and see what dreams I may produce as a result of feeling so much so deeply.  It's hard for me to think about Saturday night as Amber goes to her own Halloween party Saturday night with a bunch of her female friends and how even though I'm a guy, I would like to be with her at that party down in the South Bay.  Or be with Cole and Krysti up in Sacramento where I KNOW they will be probably whooping it up either there or somewhere in downtown Davis.  And I miss seeing Cole and Krysti as they've set their wedding date for the beginning of next summer.  They know how to throw the best intimate dinner parties of anyone.  When I visited them in Sacramento a year ago last August, in just two days, I had the time of my life with them.  They have their life together and they are always so happy and confident.  Really happy and really confident.  I consider them to be my closest friends and I don't know what I would do without Cole.  Of everyone in my generation, he understands me better than anyone and I feel like I can connect with him and tell him anything without being judged.  When I spent the night in their guest bedroom of their apartment, I felt like I was not only on vacation but in paradise.  I mean, what could be better than cooking a dinner together and drinking fabulous red wine with them?!  Nothing compares!  I hope I will get to see them both once more and get to have quality hang-out time with them.  Being so far away from them has been harder on me than I'd like to admit.  


I think the reason I am so unhappy right now is because I feel a sense of disconnectedness from the people that matter the most to me: my friends--Cole and Amber primarily but others as well.  I've also wanted to hang out outside of design class with my classmate Sarah but it's hard for her working and raising a family aside from classes.  For me, having met Sarah is one of the reasons I think I keep going to design class.  She is someone I feel I can confide in and I hope she will allow the opportunity to make time to hang out outside of our morning class.  


Without these connections, my life feels incredibly empty.  I'm starved for these personal friendships to grow and feel as if I'm emotionally and psycholgically running on empty while everyone I know is married, has been married, or is about to get married.  I hope the people I mentioned read this.  

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