Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Published on by jesse

 

Today has been an emotionally bumpy day and right before I blogged tonight, as I ate my dinner at the Crepevine on Fourth Street in downtown San Rafael, I once again had tears running down my face as I was trying to keep from crying into my food.  I had just made another $50 helping a new client re-write his professional resume and cover letter and probably have another hundred to earn from him withn the next week.

 

My deep dissatisfaction in my personal life is really starting to get to me.  The e-mail exchange I had with that 28 year-old woman Annabella I thought was going to go somewhere.  But she hasn't e-mailed me back since late Sunday night which makes me now believe I was played (once again) on Craigslist.  

 

Then I find out today that my landlord wants me to vacate on December 23rd--the day before Christmas Eve.  I don't want to end up homeless for lack of no temporary place to stay.  Christmas--my favorite time and holiday of the year, looks bleak.  And my life feels filled with the academic pressures of finals, moving, and right now... I can hardly keep from crying...

 

I want (and dream about it) a woman who could be my best friend.  Someone to cuddle with daily and have tons of sex with daily.  My social life feels incredibly empty and unfulfilling.  I feel as if I need a woman in her twenties or thirties who is chubby or voluptuous, who resembles Aphrodite the godess of love and beauty, standing on a clam or abolone shell, waiting to embrace me in her arms.  I am scared.  Scared of constantly crying, running on emotional emptiness without anyone around my age who would reach out to me.  I'm not sexually perverted.  I don't even know how to have sex to be honest.  But lack of closeness for the longest time ever coupled with too many dinners eaten alone--makes me feel about as bad as a person could feel.  I'm not depressed.  I'm a man who has gone far too long without a close female friend, a girlfrtiend, someone to come home to.  And the deception of Craigslist and the disconnect and lack of warmth radiated in my direction and the lack of a hug that resembles a long embrace for the longest time ever--leavea me feeling like there is nothing in life left for me.  The lack of a stable living environment, the lack of a successful career direction, and the lack of support for all this--has finally just about taken it's toll on me, as if I'm a knat flying in the wind, waiting for...

 

The feeling of wanting that emotional intimacy and connection with a girl--via bubble baths together, showers taken together, sex, cuddling naked, and sleeping together, has become so strong.  I have given up all hope of finding someone who'd take my heart seriously.  Everyone I know is either married or in a relationship.  There aren't any single women left who are available.  I miss cuddling and oral sex.  I miss knowing what it is like to make a woman so happy that she can have multiple, unstoppable orgasms.  I share what is deemed very personal, because it has been locked up inside me for far too long.  My expository prose is the result of being my own social island without having someone who wonders what's going on inside my head.  It is the result of pressures and stresses building within me without the comfort or social morale of someone around my age who not only truly "gets" me, but is there for me.  I can't deal with this loneliness and lack of intimate connection.  I want to know what love is nd I want you to show me.  Because right now, I just can't come to love myself.  I'm all out of love.  I'm not able to attract love because my struggles to achieve anything enough to feel worthy of myself have kept me from being able to love myself.  I want a woman in her twentis or thirties to make love to me, to be my closest friend with benefits-turned-girlfriend.  I want a woman to spend Christmas Eve with and celebrate Jesus' birth amidist traditional Christmas songs at church.  

 

I am weak tonight.  I need someone to seriously help me.  I am crying into my computer keys tonight.  I need, really NEED an angel to come to my heart's rescue tonight!!!!!

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Comment on this post

Universal Love 12/04/2011 15:22

Also, there are some great therapy groups in the area that specifically help single men in the dating arena. This is one group I know in particular:
http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2011/06/where-to-meet-women.html

Anonymous Angel 12/04/2011 15:11

Jesse- I don't know you, but what I do know is that in order to truly fulfill the desire for love, you have to embody that inside yourself. The only REAL relationship you have is with yourself, all
other relationships mirror that one. Its not always an easy road to love yourself, but that is what needs to happen before love is attracted to you. Many blessings on your path- xoxo