Thursday, November 3, 2011

Published on by jesse


The last two days have been challenging for me.  Yesterday, I was so tired and not feeling well.  I skipped my beginning voice class which I am starting to fall behind in, and didn't go to my evening abnormal psychology class where I was supposed to have taken a test.  I'll take it during class next week and probably not do as well as I'd like regardless of how much I study because the amount of material on it always exceeds my capacity to absorb.  This is why I don't do well on tests that I've had in voice class either.


Last night, I got home, didn't even eat dinner, and collapsed.  My friend Amber called me and she was the last person I spoke with before I fell asleep.  The conversation was okay, though it was about how tough her day is, getting to work earlier than usually due to traffic congestion and construction around her apartment, and then dealing with colleagues who don't do their job well enough to support her in her job.  I listened to her while my stomach was grumbling and while I was developing a headache that I still woke up with this morning.  Amber thinks I may only get to see her once more between now and Christmas and when I asked her if I could please spend NYE with her, my heart sunk when she said she couldn't guarantee because of her kid and her father.  The excuses were or seemed like many.  I feel like excuses is all I get from people... I'm used to it.  


Yesterday late afternoon, I fell asleep in Starbucks in downtown San Rafael while perusing the personals section of Craigslist as I usually do regularly, looking for solace and/or comfort.  My mind, body, and emotions feel out of sync and don't feel harmonius.  No matter how hard I try, I feel like I'm always taking one step back.  And the falling asleep isn't for lack of getting enough sleep at night.  I average between four and six hours of sleep on certain nights when I have to get up for class or internship, but then on my "off" days, I catch up and get even more sleep, sometimes not waking up until noon or early afternoon.  


Night time is when it gets darker and when my loneliness sets in and deepens, triggering such strong emotions that even I wish I could escape from them sometimes.  My loneliness makes me feel like a people-aholic or a woman-aholic.  I don't want to be that way.  There's a lot I don't want.  


I'm not connected with anyone in all three of my classmates.  I would like to connect more on a friendship level with my classmate Sarah who is in my design class, but I know and strongly sense she doesn't want this and has a great excuse: class, work, marriage, family.  Yet I sense that Sarah understands me better than most.  I can never talk to her before class since she tutors another classmate.  I would love to go out to lunch or grab coffee with her, but she would have to be the one to initiate the offer, not me.  I'm not even sure if she reads what I write on here so it probably doesn't much matter anyway.


Then today, I discover that my smartphone has become defective.  I stopped into a Verizon store where they plugged my phone in, only to discover they woud need to ship me a new smartphone free of charge when they discovered it wouldn't charge past 5% completion.  I've discovered it can charge much longer, but the "hit-and-miss" with the phone is why I need a new one.  I'll be responsible for immediately shipping my old smartphone back to the Verizon headquarters, keeping the old battery and memory card which both still work.  And it'll need to be done in a quick turn-around in order to not be charged for keeping the old phone.  


Tomorrow is my third supervision seminar of the semester up at Vida Nueva in Rohnert Park.  With having been dismissed from MIC last weekend and being out of a placement, the future of my internship at COTS is up in the air, unknown.  Thre is a chance that my internship supervisor may be leaving as I discovered while perusing the non-profit jobs on Craigslist earlier this afternoon.  I'll find out more about that tomorrow.  And what will the seven other interns think of me since I e-mailed them and told them I was dismissed from MIC?  Will they be open, warm, and friendly with me as they have been so far this semester, or will they judge me as being a black sheep?


I feel like my life is a bunch of lemons in every area.  Everyday is a struggle for me to make lemonade to keep the drink stand open.



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