Thursday, November 10, 2011
After yesterday's hectic pace with three classes, a voice recital and an abnormal psychology test, I was not only wiped out but not feeling well today. I woke up in the middle of the night with a throbbing sinus headache, used the restroom, and took two tylenol with some sips of Emergen-C. Then I slept in until 2 p.m. today and woke up still with a bad headache and my left eye entirely plugged up. I probably have a build up of ear wax and without an ear syrnge, there's really no way to clean my ears out without either going to the drug store or going to a clinic to get my ears cleaned. I attribute this to a change of season. stress, and who knows what else.
In tonight's/today's blog, my thoughts turn to how much I continue to want: women, close companionship, sex (well... not entirely sure on this one), and someone to be intimate with and share my deepest thoughts, fears, emotions and hopes with. There is this haunting, rather intense loneliness that lives inside me on a daily basis;. I've been learning how to lead and live a life of social emptiness, no relationships, and celibacy for what seems like an eternity, that when I see how many people in my generation get to attend dinner parties, get married, and have kids--it saddens me. Not even my family understands why this bothers me so much. People take these kinds of things for granted, as if it's really no big deal to them because they have access to attaining and cultivating deep ties. I continue to persue Match.com and Okcupid.com almost daily, and no matter how many heart-felt, well-thought replies I sent out to women, I don't make the grade. If there were such a thing as "rent-a-date" or "rent-a-sex-surrogate", I probably would be in the top fifty men in line for these type of services (not that this is my choice--as it isn't). People have always told me to just be me and someone will come along when I'm not looking, but neither do I qualify in the "one size fits all" category. I wish there would be a single woman within my Facebook community reading this who would not only feel for me, but who would actually help me date and find someone to date. I want to be set up. I want to find a woman who would introduce me to several of her single friends. Because the last thing I want to think about anymore, is how much a hundred nights of great sex would feed my soul. I think I'd change that to one-hundred nights of great sex, tears, and crying. Crying from all the sadness I haven't had a chance to release in another's presence. That image of a dimmed bedroom, freshly-cut flowers with scents, candles, scented oils, a king size bed with the sheets clean and turned down, and a woman wearing a beautiful gown with light makeup, who understands and knows me inside and out. A woman who will let me make love to her who will make love to me all night, hoping I don't end up having an actual heart attack from the blood pressure and cholesterol medications I'm taking.
The above is a dream so close to my heart that it evokes tears from a raw place within that isn't easily healing. And I'm scared because I really don't have a lot of sexual experience and am scared that the longer I wait to experience what lovemaking is (if I ever do) the more humiliation I will experience. Because women expect men to not portray "The Forty Year-Old Virgin". They want an experienced man. That's the societal expectation. If a woman can't be pleased, she won't want to be with him. I'm scared that my situation is larger than what any twenty or thirty-something woman wants to deal with; and I'm even more afraid that my problems are larger than what a woman wants to deal with.
I've gotten to the point where watching porn late at night doesn't bring me a whole lot of satisfaction. Not emotionally, and not physiologically.
I don't possess anything a woman wants--and having Asperger's Syndrome makes it all the more difficult. Yet I'm expected to somehow make lemonade out of the bag of lemons I've been given.
As the Christmas season approaches, I think the only thing I could wish for... and it hurts my eyes and my heart to even ask the universal Santa for this. Not a girlfriend. But a really close female friend and cuddle buddy to share the holiday lights with, to take to my voice instructor's Christmas caroling party mid December. To share Christmas Eve with. I cry my eyes out...as I write this, because I've watched so many other couples get this. I would like to be able to make the season brighter by having someone around my age of the female species to give from my heart to. I would like a female friend who invites me to come and spend NYE with her because otherwise, it is for sure that I'll be alone on NYE.
Tonight, I pray that a bunch of the females on my Facebook community will read this blog and give me some help. I've become desperate for a fresh perspective, some support, some help, and some warmth. And make my sinus headache go away!