Sunday, November 20, 2011
It is late, my ears plugged up as I sit in the kitchen of the couple whose house I am sitting for during Thanksgiving week here in San Anselmo. I made and had a great dinner with enough for my dinner tomorrow night. I face a couple academic hurdles tomorrow that I'm not sure if I can successfully complete. In the morning my panorama project is due by noon in my multimedia design class and I have my pictures all stiched together and edited to the extent that it can be. The edges are adjusted and fixed and the challenge will be to take the entire panorama shot through Quick Time so that it spins and none of the individual pictures are noticeable. We'll see... but it WILL get done!
Then I have my beginning voice class. I'm confident I can sing really well, but when it comes to written tests, I just don't do well on them and never have in any subject. I just simply don't always absorb information successfully no matter how much or how effectively I study. Part of the test will cover "music fundamentals" and since I already have a music degree, I would think this portion of tomorrow's test would be a no brainer. Again, we'll see...
Tonight I said something on Facebook I feel is important: I feel like I'm Super Mario trying to jump through multiple, challenging hurdles in order to reach the Magic Kingdom to save the princess. This feels like the story of my life. If reaching the Magic Kingdom were actually a goal, how many more toads do I have to clobber and magic mushrooms do I have to hop over to get there? What would the Magic Kingdom look like? Having an advanced degree, living in my own condo, and being engaged to a beautiful woman five to ten years younger than me, and having a job that made me enough money that I wouldn't have to worry about what my annual or bi-annual salary would be because I would have everything and anything I could need perhaps much less want.
Right now, I will admit that I miss being incredibly intimate (sexual) with an affectionate, loving woman. I hink about intimacy every night and try and think hard about whether I could live the majority or all of my life being celibate, perhaps never experiencing this. It's like seeing life from a two-dimensional perspective rather than a three-dimensional. Yes--I want sex and physical intimacy a lot. But the thing that cripples my emotions and my heart even more is finding the right woman and what would this take? Why is it taking so long? Why can't a female I went to high school or college with who is in my Facebook community help me with this? It just sort of happens naturally for other guys, but for me, it looks like it's turning into a different story. I've done everything from Craigslist to joining a free disability dating site. Little has anything worked. Yet, I just want to make love to a woman amost daily. I want someone I can make love to with an ardent purpose--that purpose being pretty significant. I want this to be a woman I could share so much of myself and my life with. I don't see any woman being prepared to go that distance with me anytime soon... and it honestly breaks my heart which I try and hide offline. I wanted someone special to share this coming Christmas with too. I don't want to be in love merely for the sole purpose of being in love. I want a woman to go caroling with, send out holiday greeting cards with a picture of us together, build and make a gingerbread house with, carry in and decorate a Christmas tree and wreath with beautiful colored lights and ornaments, someone to dance in a darkened lit room to Celine Dion's Christmas album. Someone to go to a Christmas Eve church service at Westminster Presbyterian Church instead of going alone.
I think my struggle is in shifting my perspective in a manner that serves a happier purpose of being in and enjoying the present. I think it's hard for me because I don't know anyone else in my age group that does. It makes it feel awkward. But as they say--upward and onward!