Saturday, October 29, 2011

Published on by jesse


Just finishing up dinner and an ice-cold Sudwerk after having had yet another very difficult day.  I woke up this morning and got a call from the operations director at the Mary Isaak Center to tell me he was letting me go.  There were many reasons all of which were unknown to me, but he named a few which even then, I had no prior warning that there was a problem.  This was coming from a manager in his fifties with long hair, a prior computer software programming career, and little knowledge about Asperger's.  I told him about it when I disclosed it to him while being interviewed.  But I could tell he didn't listen, he didn't know what it was, and he didn't file it away and take it into consideration when deciding to take me off the schedule this past week.  


I ended up feeling terrible and was already emotionally fragile, so I ended up crying non stop.  I immediately texted my still fairly-new friend Amber to tell her.  She texted me back to apologize.  I needed her more than anything then.  She later called me from the train station in the South Bay where she was getting ready to board to head up to San Francisco for the evening for first a friend's birthday dinner followed by an all-girl's Halloween party high school reunion.  I knew she was really concerned about me and could actually feel it.  I wanted to hop on Golden Gate Transit and head straight to the Embarcadero near the ferry building where her party would be.  Talking to her and being around can't admittedly become a permanent crutch, but right now, she seems to be it.  Then I heard from my friend Cole's fiance on Facebook and something emotionally triggered back in me.  So they aren't doing anything for Halloween this weekend.  But if I couldn't hang out with Amber, Cole and Krysti were next in line on my list of friends I just really wanted to hang out with.  They both as friends are people I hold dearly in my heart and I have always wanted to have a really fun dinner party with them where all the best food and wine exists.  I want--so much--some kind of a fun experience that would bring my friendship with them closer.  Right now, I hate living in Marin and woudn't want Sonoma County.  I think what's bothering me the most is that I don't have a firm foundation of close friends and it's created a lot of loneliness and made everything difficult.  Everyone in my generation is so consumed with work, a relationship, marriage, and/or family that no one seems able or willing to take two minutes out of their schedule to connect.  And it's really that they don't want to which is sad.  It makes it so that single thirty-somethings like myself are considered the "third wheel".  


I'm not happy.  I was thinking it over this evening and having the following setup would make me happy in this order: a very close female friend/girlfriend etc., about $2,000/month to live off of (after rent), my own studio apartment where I could have my own privacy and people over, and a career field launched to get me off of disability.  Sadly, none of those wishes have even begun to emerge.  I have worked so hard my entire life to have what the majority have.  And while I do realize I have more than some people, it still isn't enough for me.  


Every career field I've dabbled in, from music and culinary arts, to social welfare, and every job I've had, people have told me I'd never make it or be successful.  It has left me feeling deflated with an enormous amount of low self esteem that I've simply come to believe I have a lot in life I'll have to accept and not change: that I'm a disabled adult wavering in the wind with not enough sustainable guts to achieve glory.  I never get invited by anyone to socials or to get together for dinners.  It's like, why did God bother to create me--to make me struggle all the time and make my heart hurt?  That's what it seems.  


The pressures of my life have also affected my classes.  I have pondered whether to withdrawl from two of my three classes, keeping abnormal psychology.  I love to sing but I don't know that I'm putting in enough practice time.  My multimedia design instructor hates my quality of work and has been subjectively grading me.  It's as if nothing is coming together for me this fall as I thought it may have earlier.  


The holidays are approaching and the thing that saddens me is not having my large extended Texas family to spend it with.  My older half brother and sister-in-law aren't speaking to me.  I don't want to spend another Thanksgiving in a restaurant.  I would ask my friend Amber if I could spend it with her and her family, but I don't think she'd say yes to that.  As it is, I am going to ask if I could possibly spend New Year's Eve with her and do it when I see her next in November.  If I had my way, my mother and I would fly to Texas to spend at least one of those holidays together and I would love to make something to contribute and take lots of pictures.  I've always wanted big holiday family get togethers that resemble something of like the Brady Bunch Family.  Trying to accept that it will never be like that and that I have no control over changing this leaves me feeling bitter.  


I'm trying to change a lot of things I don't like and am not happy about in order to create a happier, better quality of life for myself.  I'm really not sure what's next.

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