Saturday, November 5, 2011

Published on by jesse


Today was a pretty laid back, heavily rainy day.  I hibernated like a bear does in the winter and caught up on some extra sleep well into the afternoon as I needed.  I was supposed to have made a trek over to David Peters Photography to pick up my portrait shots that were taken on October 1st but ended up sleeping through this, hoping I'll be able to pick them up tomorrow or sometime within the next several days.  


I didn't do anything productive as I was really tired, though I have an upcoming voice recital next Wednesday I'm not quite ready for and am wondering altogether whether I should withdrawl from beginning voice or stick it out.  I also have my abnormal psychology test I should have taken last Wednesday which I'll have to still take in class next Wednesday.  So it looks like Wednesday will be judgment day in two of my three classes.  Luckily I have smooth sailing in my multimedia design class with no assigned homework over the weekend, though playing around with masking and the use of filters in Photoshop always seems like tantalizing recreation waiting to be further explored.  


I had a very long phone conversation with Amber tonight while her daughter was out.  I expressed that even though I knew I was acting selfishly in light of how busy she is, that I was being put at the bottom of her list of people and friends.  She mentioned that the weekend I came down three weeks ago was the last available weekend she has.  She is getting ready for the holidays at work, flee bombing her apartment since her 20 year-old female roommate volunteers at the humane society and brings home fleas.  This means Amber has to get her kid, roommate, and Pepper (her cat) out of the apartment for a few hours while she flea bombs the entire apartment to get rid of fleas.  Additionally, she has to spend part of her weekend preparing for work since she pretty much runs the child daycare center she works at while her boss is away tending to other tasks.  She's expressed having very low energy and doesn't want to think about whether another pregnancy could be coming after the major ordeal she went through in September and October.  And she has to manage both Thanksgiving and Christmas for her parents and attend her friend Laura's winter solstace party on the 20th.  So I agree--she is very busy.  She didn't know when she could fit me in and she made it clear that with her body recovering, she didn't want to date anyone or add anything onto her plate right now.  I tried hard to take everything in.  I tried to step outside of myself to see what Amber was going through.  I mean, she doesn't even have enough energy to physically lift her kids at work.


I made it clear to her that even though she has her best female friend Laura who lives in San Francisco on hand, I would take public transit at night and meet her at the hospital in San Mateo or cook meals for her if she gosh forbig was going to go through another pregnancy.  She didn't want to think about that and how she would handle that.  It is a concern to me simply because, as a friend, I want to be not only there for her, but actually useful.  Yet what pulls me is how much of myself I can effectively give to Amber living in the North Bay--without emotionally and physically submerging myself.  I had even offered to help bring in her Christmas tree and carry it up the stairs of her apartment complex, and my heart sunk again when she said she wouldn't need my help because that's something that she and her daughter would do alone.  I'm stuck really trying to figure out what kind of a friend I am to Amber and how I can be most efective.  I wish I could share the holidays with her, but my guess is that this isn't going to be in the cards, and I haven't quite fully come to peace with this.  At least she cares enough to text and call me once every two to three days.  I then realized that part of what I'm going through is the insecure feeling of not having her as a close enough friend and the anxiety I'm feeling associated with wanting to push a friendship towards a certain goal when I should just let my friendship with Amber evolve organically and naturally on its own--which it probably will.  


Tomorrow morning will be the first church service without Doug and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about his presence gone.  I'm debating on whether or not I'll choose to attend service.  I have no problem with Barb running the show as it's what I'm used to and she does a good job.  The question is whether I can handle feelings of separation loss of a male pastoral figure who meant the world to me--gone from WPC forever.  It didn't dawn on me recently that I came to Westminster because of Barb and my relationship with her, but that I stayed because of my attachment to Doug.  Having attachment/abandonment issues makes the loss of someone I think I grew to love in only two years--difficult and sobering at best.  


I close today's journal entry by saying something that isn't easy to adhere to but something I need to put intro practice: my landlord Kate was telling me today that whatever problems I have need to be dwelled upon in my bedroom.  When I go out into the world, I need to put a different face onto the world and show the world that I'm happy, confident, and secure within myself.  That's a tall order for someone who believes in letting it all hang out, where I put a premium on the idea of being authentic and transparent with everyone.  For while that may be a great perspective, I have great difficulty hiding and keeping how I feel to myself.  I'm not a private person because I don't feel there is much of anything in my life at this point that needs to be kept private.  I know I'm in the minority here--and I'm okay with that.  Lastly, Kate said something that I do take to heart: 


Be thankful for being here in the moment and for all the material things we have, for things could be much worse.  Be blessed that we have a roof over our heads, for many have much less.  As we enter a season of thanks, it is important to keep these ideals top of mind.  I have some of my health.  I have some of my heart.  I have most of my head.  For this--I am thankful.

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