Monday, November 7, 2011

Published on by jesse


It is early Tuesday morning and I am still awake, late in getting this blog uo.  It's been a LONG Monday  Delving deeper into Photoshop using masks, layers, adjustments, inverses, and gosh knows what else in my multimedia design class.  Then had a pretty strong dress rehearsal in beginning voice class!  I love Linda and her tips and advice for singing better are invaluable that sometimes it's hard for me to accept when I get a low grade on something.  Like the character analysis I did, admittedly at the last minute.  I feel like I should know how to sing by now, but even the most advanced professional singers always have something more to learn.  Yet, the richness of having sung my first art song was an experience in and of itself!


After voice class, I briefly took an informal tour of the new fine arts center at College of Marin and ran into the lab technician for the fiber sculpture class--one of only two classes happening during the four o'clock hour.  He gave me a tour of the fiber sculpture lab and told me what the beginning, intermediate, and advanced fiber sculpture students do for projects.  It was fascinating and made me want to jump right in and start a project then.


The multimedia classes I've taken and the one I'm taking in computer graphic visual design has made me question whether I should be taking more art classes, especially if I want to keep the door to the graduate multimedia program offered at CSU East Bay open.  I need a course in color theory and may very well take it spring semester since I noticed it's being offered.  As I began to look at other studio art classes, 2D and 3D Fundamentals and Drawing and Painting I as well as Printmaking I all beckon to my palette of art interests (no pun intended).  Then I asked myself a much deeper question I'm still grappling with: am I interested in the multimedia program because I'be encountered a problem in my internship that I don't think I can deal with and get myself out of?  It is a stretch of a question with some definite truth.  I mean, if I can't even keep a job due to interpersonal communication problems that result from a lack of Asperger's Syndrome awareness in the workplace, how would I ever be able to go into clinical counseling as either an MFT or a social worker?  So in a sense, it's like I'm trying to keep as many doors open as possible and trek down all the paths at once to see how far I can go.


I made a counseling appointment today to see Joetta Tenison-Scott next week, an academic counselor at College of Marin who used to run the Re-Entry program who I've known for years and took a career exploration class with last year.  I will tell her what happened with my internship but am hesitant to tell her I'm jumping ship into the fine arts.  She's heard the "I'm jumping ship" story too many times.  The problem is not having advocacy for autism and everyone knows it, yet there's little support for growing autiism into an advocacy magnet in Marin County from a seed which needs to be planted in the counseling staff of many post-secondary institutions;.  The problem is one that requires an innovative solution I don't think I could come up with alone.


Tonight, just as I was thinking of and missing Amber, she called me.  I had just had a good cry and gotten the sad jitters of romance out of my system when she called to vent and tell me about her interesting evening.  I've learned that the way it works is that I'm not allowed to call her--almost ever.  Because she's always busy.  If she calls me--that's another story.  I'm getting used to it and I don't mind.  I want to feel needed by her.  At the same time, sometimes when I've recently felt weak, I've wanted to depend on her and felt I couldn't.  In time, what I'm worrying about won't matter.  For a woman to call me in even the most basic platonic sense--is a big deal for me--something that most people would simply take for granted.  I am slowly falling for her, and yet I have to constantly keep it all in check.  This is a woman who has been through so much and yet she seems vibrant and strong--and attractive.  There are many times lately when I have imagined myself getting to sleep in her bed with her on weekend mornings (once she' de flead her apartment) and then know where she stores everything so that I could make a big brunch for her.  


I know I am not going to get to spend Christmas with her.  But New Year's Eve is the day I am banking on.  She mentioned she didn't know where she would be but that it would most likely be with her daughter and her daughter's friends.  Yet in my heart, I have this dream of getting to sip champagne with her to ring in 2012.  I want to not only show Amber how much I care about her, but I want to make up all the pain and agony she faced this past autumn.  I want to be able to give her one happy evening (platonically) that makes her remember the good life, even if it's in her own apartment.  The reality is that I don't know whether I can or not.  I don't want to let her down.  Not for a second; and my loyalty to her is there.  If only she knew.  She may be the first female friend of this kind I've had, and so I want to prove to the universe that I can go far show Amber for the better that I'm a different kind of guy.  We'll see.

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