Friday, October 28, 2011

Published on by jesse


Today's entry is going to be short as I have nothing much to report.  I was supposed to have met up with a member of my church today but we got our wires crossed and both ended up at different coffee houses.  I took some work to do as well as my laptop in case something like this happened and am glad I did.  We'll be meeting in the morning at (hopefully) the same coffee house here in San Rafael.


The weekend is upon us and I have two tests for two different classes to study for (one on Monday and another on Wednesday) and my first Photoshop project due Monday.  Laundry and Pastor Doug's last sermon and party on Sunday.  So my weekend is cut out for me and, no, I unfortunately won't be headed into the city this weekend for any Halloween parties, nor do I have any friends to do any Halloween things with, nor do I feel like dressing in costume this year.  That takes care of that.


My new friend called me this evening and we talked on the phone for over an hour.  We always start out texting and then she prefers talking to texting.  She had a really busy week at work and has felt very low energy which is why I hadn't heard from her.  I told her how anxious I was, the e-mail I sent her which she hadn't even opened yet.  I apologized to her for some of the remarks I said in my e-mail, none of which were mean or hostile.  But I did tell her how anxious I was and how I felt that my having come down last weekend and then been ignored may have been a feeling that I was used.  She said she felt bad because that wasn't her intent and so she probably won't even read the e-mail I sent her--which may be just as well.  We talked about her daycare center and how she almost lost her voice as she is in charge of lesson planning and teaching the assigned curriculumn.  Her weekend is filled with a Halloween party in S.F. with the girls which she said would sort of be like a high school reunion, then Sunday hanging out with a female friend.  So her weekend will be busy and I doubt we'll talk again until next week sometime.  She promised me that we would get together sometime again in November but that her work, her teenage child, and her female friend who is going through a rough patch are all going to take priority.  I'm trying to be okay with that, though I wish she'd make me a priority--at some point.


My struggling point is that I continue to use the personals section of Craigslist, Daily Strength, Ok Cupid, and to meet women and get satisfaction.  My personal needs on every level are empty and, part of the challenge being on the autistic spectrum, is making new friends, close friends.  When it comes to women, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't not want a female friend in my life who can wear multiple hats: close friend, confidante, therapist, girlfriend, lover, and friend with benefits.  It is the number-one pain I feel every day, but it hits the hardest for me emotionally late at night for some reason.  I have such a busy schedule during the week, but rarely do I ever have any social one-to-one opportunities and the lack of these opportunities brings out a more intense, neediness in me that is hard to quell unless I have someone to cuddle with every night where there's habitual consistency.  That's what made cuddling with Amber last weekend almost too good to let go and too emotionally painful to stop.  I tried telling jer this, but I don't know if it registered.  


The truth is that my emotions, my busy schedule, and my lack of social opportunities with friends has made the emotional well within me run dry of any happiness.  It's as if there's no one for me to depend on for emotional comfort or a safe haven to be vulnerable--which I am.  I think a lot of people don't want to get close to me because I'm on the spectrum, though you'll have a difficult time getting anyone to admit it, God knows why.  Meanwhile, my heart craves connection, my body deeply craves sex, and my emotions crave the warmth and the hug of the feminine bounty.  And--no--God isn't enough.  And no--I'm not a one-man island who should stand strong alone.  I have needs, emotions, and desires like everyone else, and they simply aren't getting met.  It's a struggle!


Lastly, I know the majority of you would like me to shut up, keep quiet, and never talk about these sort of things.  It's as if I should be seen and not heard.  As if my business should be kept private.  The more people don't want to hear it, the louder I will shout it, and I don't care how many people I piss off.  Because the truth is that my voice needs to be heard loud and clear and the people who don't want to hear me roar don't really support nor understand nor accept that I have emotions and feelings that have been kept mum and under wraps for way too long.  I will keep talking about what ails until a social reform happens in my world to become more supportive, more accepting, and more empathetic of my differences and how I stand out.  That's supposedly the gift of being on the spectrum, right?!


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